Pick Your Grove

We do not get to choose our DNA. Our parents are who they are whether we like their life, or not. Even those who have been adopted; those kids didn't choose adoptive parents anymore than they chose their birth parents. We can't choose our cousins. We can't choose our siblings. We can't choose our aunts or uncles. We can attempt to sculpt our bodies, but we can't choose our body shape. We can't choose our skin pigment. We can choose our behavior and attitude, but we can't choose our personality. We can't choose our height. In these we are stuck, stuck, stuck.

There are so many things about the person in our skin that we have absolutely no control over. But there is something we have control over; which grove we live in. 

Natural trees have no choice where they're planted. They are utterly dependent on the farmer to know what ground and air is best suited for their successful growth and reproduction. But spiritual trees are almost exclusively their own farmer.

We are spiritual trees. We decide where we are planted. God only plants us with our permission. Even in His Supreme status, in this He chooses the role of assistant. He turns all power of choice over to us. I've seen many, many tree plantings in my time of living for God. I've seen when people realize for the first time that God is loving and generous, and has our best interests at heart. In relief they joyfully surrender all to Him, and in doing so they give him permission to plant them wherever He sees best. But over time I've seen some gradually stop seeking His sky for His rain of growth. In their stagnant state (brought about by their detachment from Him) they become dissatisfied with where He planted them, and they start looking for another habitat, hoping to respark their growth. 

I've seen other trees be given marching orders. God himself says to move from the place He personally planted them. God sends trees on an Abrahamic journey, a walk of faith into new territory. Lest we think this is some magical key to happiness, let me warn you with this insight; I've never seen a tree in this situation be glad about this move. When trees are transplanting from church to church, ministry to ministry, job to job, happy and psyched about the transitions, that is a carnal move, not a God-ordained move. Trees to whom The Spirit is being called to move generally have the wisdom to loath the prospect. They're like Christ, both led and driven into the new place.

Whether we transplant because God pushed us, or because we're carnally seeking greener pastures, when we replant ourselves we replant with other trees. We try to seek out our kind. But in our uprooting we can't be sure what we're getting ourselves into. I've never seen a tree eat another tree's fruit. So, while an orange tree may find a grove of orange trees and determine, "We're all orange trees! This is the perfect place for me!" You don't know if those oranges are good or bad fruit, sweet and nutritious, or bitter and poisonous.

How can you tell a Good Fruit tree from a Bad Fruit tree when you're not partaking of the fruit? 

Answer: You can tell by who the tree attracts.

If you find yourself in a position to need to choose a grove, choose a grove that attracts the pure in heart. The pure in heart will not settle for bitter fruit. They bring their children to good fruit. They offer their spouses good fruit. They present to their friends good fruit. And these people WORK to access the good fruit. They may have to pay a price to enter the grove. They may have to ask the grove keeper's permission to pick the fruit. They may have to travel far to be a recipient of the good fruit. Those who want the best know there's a price to pay to have it. And you'll know a Good Fruit tree by the caretaker. How involved is God in the daily care of that grove? Good Fruit trees relentlessly ask The Master to prune, fertilize, water, and weed. The more involved the tree asks The Master to be, the sweeter the fruit will be. 

On the other side of the spectrum is bad fruit. These groves are left unattended. While there may be an owner of the grove, it's not worth the investment of hiring workers to keep the area weed free. It's not worth the cost of pesticides to keep the place pest free. Besides, these Bad Fruit trees reject all intervention anyway. It's on the backside of nowhere, out of sight, out of mind. Therefore nobody has to pay to access that fruit. Bitter Fruit groves attract the derelict, the thief, the irresponsible. Bad Fruit trees attract lazy people who are unwilling to pay for Good Fruit, therefore they must take Bad Fruit. Also, as mentioned before, Bad Fruit trees have very little aptitude to surrender to The Master, if at all. They refuse pruning, they do not seek care, they don't want anyone caring about the weeds surrounding and the bugs invading. Their "Keep Out" signs are posted for the eyes of The Master.

Don't be deceived into having pity on these Bad Fruit trees. They KNOW they're producing bitter fruit, and they refuse to put themselves in any situation to change that outcome. There is a way to alter one's fruit production from bitter to sweet. It's by a process called grafting. Only The Master can do the grafting. A Bitter Fruit tree must surrender to God who will uproot and replant the tree in the best environment for the tree. Then he grafts a part of himself into the tree. If that tree will remain, it will begin to produce the sweetest of fruit. But if that tree is arrogant and prideful, they will not surrender to this process. They remain a Bad Fruit tree and your folly to help is more prideful than helpful. These, "I can help" attempts are truly all about "Me, Myself, and I." 

"I'm the one with insight to help."

"I'm more loving than others."

"I'm going to prove my power."

I point this out because I've seen trees in transit see a grove of bitter trees and feel an undeserved pity. I've seen well-intentioned (howbeit uncounseled) trees believe the Bitter Fruit tree "need" their presence and sympathy. They plant themselves among the Bad Fruit trees, then are forced to endure what The Master never intended them to endure. They reap the hazards of being with trees visited only by thieves who rape and pillage their branches with no thought of care or another season's reproduction. 

Meanwhile, Good Fruit trees are enjoying the joy and laughter of those whom they are generously supplying with Good Fruit. Aware that The Master is purposefully cultivating the ability to reproduce more Good Fruit again the next season. 

You get to choose which grove you plant yourself in. 

Surround yourself with good-tree folks to keep from eating bitter fruit behavior.

“No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.”

Luke 6:43 NIV

The Owner's Manual

One of my greatest weaknesses is the kitchen. I'm not meaning I have a weakness to resisting foods of the kitchen. I mean I commit consistent folly in the preparation of foods in the kitchen. I have four recipes that are edible. One of those four is scrambled eggs.

The end.

That's the end of my kitchen abilities. 

Once I made lasagna from scratch. I did purchase the pasta, but the tomato sauce was purely concocted in my own kitchen. I was so excited and proud of this dish. I lovingly layered the cheeses & sauces, and with a flush of pride and a domestic-diva flourish I offered it to my family. And guests. (An unplanned addition to dinner.) Everyone served themselves via my informal hostessing style. As I cut into my own square of the dish, nestled in the middle of my plate, it seemed something was wrong. It took me a second of chewing to realize what it was.

THERE WAS NO PASTA IN THE DISH! 

Not a single layer of lasagna between the layers of tomato sauce and cheese. I had boiled the pasta, strained it, then left it sitting in the strainer on the counter. I brought the bowl of now congealed pasta to the table and we all self-served weird blobs of sticky dough on top of our sauce/cheese squares. 

I've never made the dish again. 

Whether we do things right and in order determines the definition of the thing. My dish did not turn out to be "lasagna." It was edible, tasty even, but it was not lasagna.

Our lives require that we properly build them, or else we find ourselves alive, but not living. Everybody dies, but not everyone lives. To truly live we must follow the guidebook. I dislike when parents say that babies do not come with an instruction manual. Yes, they do. It's called The Holy Bible.

We have ruined society by arrogantly believing we can build a successful life without referring to The Owner's Manual, which is the Word of God. God created humanity in His own image. The creator of a thing is the best person to have a conversation with about that thing. The creator knows every detail intimately. If you have questions, the creator has answers. As an Apple user I was bummed when Steve Jobs was no longer at the helm. It's not that I knew him personally and would therefore mourn his death. But I knew his passion for his creation kept the quality of my daily-used product (the one I read scripture from, write blogs on, make todo lists in, stay connected with friends and family by) at tip-top, well-running order. Comparisons can be equally made with the Keurig, America's new convenience machine. Truly, any creation you enjoy, the creator of that thing could tell you how to keep it humming like new. 

God is the creator of humanity. His ways are higher than our ways because He's the creator. He's not on a power trip. It's just a fact. Therefore, for our lives to be joyful, and abundant, and peaceful, healthy, and whole, we must follow the instructions of The Owner's Manual called, The Holy Bible.

Jesus gave us a story of two houses, one built on the rock, the other built on the sand. He told about a great storm that came and rained down on both houses. The house built on the sand, the one without a foundation, was destroyed. While the house built on a firm foundation stood the test. Jesus told us that this is how our lives are. We have a choice as to where we each build our lives, on The Rock, Christ Jesus. Or on the shifting sands of present culture. We each choose where we're going to build our lives. 

We must prioritize building our lives on God's Word, from the foundation, to the eaves. Every nail, every column, every detail of decor, each and every decision must mirror the Word of God.

Keep the Bible ever at the ready in your life. Even when you're not specifically looking for direction, read it every day. It's a living book and it will quietly hitch a ride in your mind until you do need it. And at that time it will pipe up and say, "Here's how you should handle this..." 

Psalm 119:105 (KJV)

Thy word [is] a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

Matthew 7:24 (KJV)

Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:

Matthew 13:23 (KJV)

But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth [it]; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.

Love Affair with "1"

If you follow me on social media, you'll know I love, "1." Not one person. The number, "1." Each and every month I get to schmooze with, "1."

After 30, sometimes 31, even the rare 28 days, we get to start over with, "1!" It's a most fantastic thing! We grind, and toil, and sweat, and labor... We go two-steps-forward, one-step-back. We berate ourselves. We kick ourselves back into gear. All along, while we are striving to do our best, the month's digits develops hooks, like those of "3." "5" even develops a spear-like line at its head, ready to hook and stab! Have you ever seen a more scary-looking number than "5?!" But the onslaught of the numeric army isn't done. Those terrorist numbers recruit numbers, and at exactly ten days all digits double-up on us! But just when the month is about to swallow us in a suffocating black hole...

That beautiful, simple, single line, with his fedora-clad head-nod, (we will forgive his feet that are too large) comes swooping in, like superman, to rescue. And I swoon.

Bringing his magic cape to give me a clean slate. Hollering to all the powers that be, "I call doooo overrrrrr!" The atmosphere reverberates with titilating excitement as "1" pulls out his magic wand and draws me a brand new starting line! He's so kind, he even escorts me through some of those double-digit daunting days. Stoically standing there beside the "2," and "5," even "7," saying, "Come on through. I'm here with and for you. You can get through this."

And my crush's powers are never so great and magical as they are every New Year's Eve. Not only does "1" declare a brand new month, but a BRAND NEW YEAR! 

As I delight in my sweetheart, "1," I ask that we remember to never, never, never give up, regardless of where we are in the month, or year. In fact (in case you were about to Baker Act me) "1" is a figment of my imagination. I made him up to better enjoy my conveyance of this certain truth: YOU are the master of "do over." God makes it possible. But YOU have to do it. 

As I complete this fun essay at 2:09pm, 12/31/2015, I have already read about the New Year occurance that is past tense in Asia. I felt no vibrations in the atmosphere as they began their new year. There's literally NOTHING magical about it. It's an act of faith to declare the new year better than the last. An act we should exhibit. 

Let Christ guide you this new year. Make falling at his feet in prayer your reaction to every difficulty. Prioritize living life according to His game plane in scripture.

In Him we have newness of life, and a happy new year. 

Welcome, 2016!

(And I joyfully welcome all appearances of my hero, "1.") 

Patiently In Place

I like to be used of God. I like to be a blessing to people. Giving of oneself is a high. Acknowledging this is important to humility. I've seen (& have personally experienced) givers excuse their exhaustion, their rudeness, under the guise of Servanthood. In fact, they're (we're) fulfilling an addiction, we're getting our fix. 

It certainly isn't "wrong" or "sinful" to experience the high of ministering to others' needs. It's a natural release God wove into our biological system to encourage us to continue to be good and kind. The problem comes in not recognizing when one has taken on too much, and then lording our "ministry" over others, insisting they get in-line, in-sync to serve OUR need for the high. Each person knows their own heart, and their own spirit. The key is to be very prayerful, and not be self-deceptive.

With that said, over the last few weeks I've been extremely needy of a "hit." I've come to learn the signs about myself, so I recognize when it's come. I lift the veil to show you that it's not easy keeping oneself within the bounds of patience and self-control. 

The Lord has had me of use lately in ways I'm not used to. The newness is difficult. My voice has recently become silently loud. You're reading my voice right now. Writing is a new platform and I'm trying to get used to the "mic."

In the newness and transition I feel hyper-extended. Part of me knows I am safe in God's hands and plan, but another part of me feels nervous, anxious, and desperate to be heard. Part of me sees His hand answering me and intervening for me, but another part of me feels like I'm suffocating in the yet-unanswered prayers. Consequently, much of my energy of the last few weeks have been spent on stillness and sanity. Plus, I've been physically ill on top of the spiritual and emotional imbalance. 

The point of this reveal is certainly not to garner sympathy. (Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Don't you dare.) The point is to share the fact that YOU'RE NOT ALONE in your unrest. You're not the only one who wonders where God is. You, and me, and King David, and Elisha, and thousands of others have experienced moments where they've felt like they were coming out of their skin... But they waited on the Lord, and He REALLY DID complete the work. 

Philippians 1:6 (KJV)

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ:

It's not an easy thing for me, but I've learned while "waiting" on the Lord to pursue a peaceful behavior. My advice to others sharing my boat is to not make your home miserable with your personal torment. Do not stir fear and unrest in those around you. Seek peace, and pursue it. 

Yesterday, in my efforts to keep the spinning of my mind from aggravating my home, I went for a walk. I spoke to the Lord as I walked. I cried and told him of my frustrations in NEEDING to feel that "hit" of being used of him.

I reminded him of how I'd been contagiously sick and unable to engage in my normal leadership activities.

He reminded me that he's been giving me multiple scriptural topics a day to write about, and how that was going to be a blessing to people.

"GOING TO...?!" 

I whined to God how it "might" be a blessing... "If" they "happen upon" the writing. 

I'm pretty sure I heard him chuckle at my small-mindedness.

Ugh! 

"Do you know how LONG it's been since I've done any projects I've always loved to do?!"

He said, "You've GOT to let the past go. Forget those things which are behind. I've made you into a new vessel. If you try to do those old jobs you'll fail miserably."

Oh, the mourning that ensued right out on the public sidewalk of my neighborhood!

*AND I had forgotten to hold my mobile to my head so people would assume I was talking to someone on the phone! 

My sweet Jesus stepped right up beside me and said, "Hey, you said you wanted to be a vessel, right?"

"Yes!" I answered. "But I want to be a USED vessel!"

He asked, "Didn't you write all of those ideas and encouragements you found in scripture?"

I sighed, "Yes."

Jesus kindly said, "See? You're a useful vessel."

My voice quivered as I said, "But I want to be a loved vessel."

He answered with an affirmation I already knew, "You ARE a loved vessel."

"But, I want to be always in your hand being used."

I looked around for an example of how often I wanted to be in-play. I held the answer in my hand.

"Like my phone is always in my hand being used. That's how I want to be in use."

He laughed. Even I laughed at my exasperation. 

We felt close & comforted in our walk together now. He had calmed my anxiety with his presence. 

He shook his head and said, "I don't have a smart phone, Denee."

We laughed some more. Because, of course he wouldn't have, need, or use a smart phone. 

He has earthen vessels. 

Cracked, chipped, broken, re-glued, repaired, renewed earthen vessels. And I have absolutely no clue as to what shape of a vessel he's made me into. All I care about, ultimately, is being used of God. And if he finds me of best use sitting on a shelf, so be it. If he grabs me to use as a cup to pour into, I say, "Fill me up." If he uses me as a pitcher and pours out all that is within, I say, "Empty me utterly."

In this place I want to patiently be EXACTLY what he needs me to be.

*Yes. I do that. :) 

THIS Is the Rest

Matthew 14:23

After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone,

At the beginning of this chapter we gain insight into an emotional season Christ was handling.
John, his cousin, ministry-opener, and fellow kingdom-laborer, had been beheaded. Whereas with Jesus' friend, Lazerus, on his death account we get the famous, clear, emotional description, "Jesus wept."
But in verse thirteen we can read between the lines as we see Jesus trying to find solitude. I feel certain that the man, Christ Jesus, needed a place to mourn privately.

Instead of privacy, he finds himself surrounded by other people also needing to heal. Some of these people were likely also followers of John, therefore mourning their own loss. Others of them may have been seeking a better political ally than their immoral king, Herod. Still others were likely there simply because of a sincere hunger to be closer to God. Jesus left his quiet place and ministered to them in word and deed, miraculously feeding thousands.

But it seems to me that Jesus still hadn't found his personal healing or completion of mourning, because immediately after he ministered to the people he again tried to find solitude. He didn't even want his disciples around; he sent them away in a boat. And it was that selfsame boat that a storm and waves began to beat upon.

Now we find Jesus in a situation you and I may find ourselves in; days when we're drained, yet still so busy. We desperately need solitude and healing. And we responsibly try to seek it out. We may set aside a few days on our calendars, take a vacation, or go for a workout of some kind. We can see all the activity that wiped us out, and from the same state we can see what's left to do. Jesus truly understands this.

Jesus stood on that mountain, the place he had chosen to refresh himself, and was able to see the place of ministry where he'd fed the thousands. It was a situation that included mental, spiritual, and physical outpouring while already in a state of mourning. And from that same mountain he was able to see the next and immediate need of his closest friends trying to survive a storm. He could have chosen to stay on the mountain in solitude. People would have understood; John had been martyred, and he had just been the superstar, miracle worker even in his grief. But he left his place of solitude and took care of yet another need.

The question we need answered is:
"How was he able to expend himself again so immediately?"
The answer is that he did more than "get away from it all."
He secluded himself, yes. But he regenerated himself through interaction with God.
His "rest" was prayer.

You may feel drained. You may have given to your family, your job, your community, your church, ALL you can. I advise that rather than complain and fester over our responsibility to minister, or our inability to go on a vacation, that we follow Christ's example and simply take in a few hours of solitude, alone in prayer. Certainly sources such as resorts, or cruises, or shopping therapy, or whatever your sugar-stick is, have their place. These can and should be enjoyed.

But time alone with God will get us back at HIS business more quickly. And doing God's business will be where we see and experience our greatest life moments.

Handling the Hurting

We have to use wisdom in handling the hurting because until you've experienced something for yourself, you do not have the ability to truly understand someone else's experience. You may try to do so by using your imagination, but that's based on your solid opinions, which was formed via your upbringing, which was shaped by your parent’s culture.

I had both of my kids by Caesarian section, so I relate more to people who have had surgery than to women who have gone through the natural childbirth experience. I am AWARE that the pain the mother experiences, the length of time enduring labor, and the concern of the dad, all adds up to an amazing dramatic moment when the child is delivered. But it is strictly my imagination that conjures up what that is like. For me, I was groggy from anesthesia, then within a very short time a slimy, tiny human was displayed from behind a sheet/curtain for about five seconds, then I went to sleep. No tears. No drama. Just baby. Therefore, I never have that "Yeah! Right!" moment other moms have when they connect over their birth stories.

I've discovered this is the case in traumatic life events as well. You may have experienced the pain of divorce, but it is NOT the pain of death, and the two can only relate as closely perhaps, as someone who’s experienced natural childbirth vs. Caesarian, or adoption. All cases resulted in parentage, but they are NOT the same. Divorce, death, losing a home, having a child run away; they all produce confusion and pain, but they are not the same experiences with slight differences, they are very different experiences with slight similarities.

So, when you are trying to help someone who has been wounded by a tragedy of life, the most important posture you can take is one of very little opinion. People trying to offer advice and instruction mean well. But it doesn't feel like love or kindness to the one hurting. It feels judgmental. It does not feel like support to the one hurting. It feels like what little strength one has is being stripped away.

It is hard to trust people. That is why we should be cautious in sharing our opinions about how people should be handling THEIR crisis. We love these hurting people. We can see how vulnerable they are. So we do the only thing we know to do; describe to them what we see they've done wrong that got them in their present dilemma. We also tend to be driven to tell them what they should be doing now. It is not out of malice. It is not some devious, twisted plot to make their life even worse than it is. It is actually because you love them very much! However, diving into their storm armed only with concern and emotion is the equivalent of watching a loved one wrestle a bear. EVERYBODY is freaked out by the event. But if we are not careful, in our attempts to shoot the bear, we shoot the loved one.

When you have been thrust into the awkward position of handling the hurting, you should know that the most painful things well-meaning people do is to say what you think the hurting person is thinking and doing based on your own imagination. Do you really KNOW what they're thinking, or WHY they're behaving or deciding what they are? Have you bothered to ASK?

What generally happens is, we assume, then form our own opinions based on our own assumptions. The one we're trying to help has not participated in any part of the process; except maybe at the end where what is meant to bring them clarity ends up confusing and simply adding to the weight of their pain.

So, if you have a friend or family member scaring you because of behavior being acted out due to life-upheaval, the most helpful thing you can do is not to offer guidance, but rather ask gentle questions AND LISTEN.

"Are you afraid? What are you afraid of?"
"Do you need me to do anything differently?"

If they trust you enough to answer your questions, likely they will start spilling out more of what is causing their pain and behavior. When they tell you more, you'll be better able to "diagnose" them and properly "treat" them. But even at this point you should not necessarily start advising. What you want to do is sit there quietly, listening with a heart of compassion, and you're going to keep doing that until something AMAZING happens, which is that they ask YOU a question, "What would you do?" Or "What do you think?"

It might take them a while to come around to the point where they are comfortable answering your questions. Especially if they are gun-shy by previous conversations, with you or someone else. But if you will patiently and compassionately play this role right, they will come around.

If they are not talking freely to you about their pain, and not asking you for advice, then they are scared of you. I know if you have always considered them your best friend, or you are the family member, or the counselor, that is hard to accept. But be encouraged, because if you create a healing, loving, environment, they WILL come check it out. If it is legit you will be allowed to be a part of their healing. Feeling frustrated you can't seem to do anything right is understandable. But being angry at them will accomplish nothing in your relationship. If they're the "patient" and you're the "doctor," you have to explore the "medicines" until you find the cure. And pray, pray, pray for them.

The other way to help someone going through a pain you have not experienced is to support them. This can be tricky if you do not approve of what they are doing. But it is possible. It is possible to hear someone sob and you not say anything except, "I'm sorry you're hurting. I love you." It may not be easy because your instinct wants to point out the stupid thing they did to bring on this pain. But it is POSSIBLE to use self control and simply support.

The most comforting people I have talked to in the midst of the pain and trauma of divorce, were other people who have gone through divorce. Not because we sat around approving of divorce. But because there were so many "Yeah! I know!" moments about the pain experienced behind closed doors. I've opened up to less than five people about my pain in this matter, and for three years the most helpful one was a very quiet, unassuming, tiny lady. I think it is important for you to know that description of her because I am generally thought of as loud, bossy, opinionated, and stubborn. Do you want to know what eloquent advice and direction she gave? She simply said, "I know. I know. It's awful." Sometimes she would add, "It will get better." But that's it! It turned out that in my larger-than-life personality I did not require a Mack truck kind of approach to calm me in the midst of a raging storm. She never said, "You need to..." Or, "Stop doing...." Do you know WHY and HOW she ministered so effectively? It was not because she graduated from a school of theology or psychology. It was because she went through the school of hard knocks. Very particularly, she was thrust into the same classes I was in. Oh, my goodness! She can lift my spirits like no one else! And all she does is listen and say she loves me!

It's also important to accept that you alone do not have ALL that your hurting friend needs. In the beginning, when all Adam had was God Almighty himself, the Creator. God labeled Adam as "alone" and created another source to fulfill Adam's needs. If God accepts that his offspring needs more than only himself, we must each acknowledge that our hurting loved-ones need more than just ourself to meet all their needs.

I will write soon to the hurting people and give my two-cents about how to cowboy up and move forward. But this particular blog is to the strong, healthy one wanting to know how best to be a part of their loved-one's healing.

It really doesn't matter what our title in their life may be; parent, friend, sibling, pastor, mentor, etc. If their boo-boo hurts, and EVERY TIME they see you you're trying to apply healing salt water, you may find yourself with an abundant supply of healing balm, but NO ONE to apply it to. Create an ambiance and atmosphere of gentleness and you'll find more willing patients than you know what to do with.

If you've faced the same pain as your friend you will naturally know how to help. But if you haven't been in the SAME situation, I suggest you try asking questions and listening, not offering guidance unless you are asked for it, and just create a judgment-free, peace zone. And perhaps you'll find yourself becoming a part of helping that person you love be nursed back to spiritual and emotional health.

Denée Richardson, Le Muser
www.deneerichardson.com

~Thanks to Lisa Velie for editing.